Alex Taylor<\/span>BBC News reporter<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n <\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n “I think I was just in survival mode for a year”.<\/b><\/p>\n Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.<\/p>\n But the reality quickly became “very different” to what he’d imagined.<\/p>\n Life-threatening health complications around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her primary caregiver as well as looking after their newborn son Leo.<\/p>\n “I was doing every night time, every change\u2026 every walk. The role of both mum and dad,” Ryan told the BBC’s Parenting Download<\/a>.<\/p>\n After 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.<\/p>\n The simple words “You’re not in a good spot. You need some help. How can I help you?” opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.<\/p>\n His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles dads face. <\/p>\n According to the government’s recent men’s health strategy for England<\/a>, between 5-15% of fathers experience anxiety before and after they have a child, while 5-10% face depression.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Ryan feels his struggles are part of a wider failure to communicate amongst men, who still internalise harmful perceptions of masculinity.<\/p>\n Men, he says, often feel they must be “the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing every time.”<\/p>\n “It’s not a show of weakness to ask for help. I didn’t do that quick enough,” he explains. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don’t want to accept they’re struggling.<\/p>\n They can feel they are “not a legitimate person to be asking for help” – especially ahead of a mum and baby – but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the family.<\/p>\n Ryan’s conversation with his dad gave him the space to ask for a break – taking a few days abroad, away from the home environment, to gain perspective.<\/p>\n He realised he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner’s emotions as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a new baby. <\/p>\n When he opened up to Louise, he realised he’d missed “what she was yearning” -holding her hand and listening to her.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees fatherhood.<\/p>\n He’s now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.<\/p>\n Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the language of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.<\/p>\n The idea of “self-parenting” is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green – real name Stephen Manderson – has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.<\/p>\n As a child Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Despite having an “incredible” bond with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was “in and out” of his life, complicating their relationship.<\/p>\n Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make “terrible decisions” when younger to alter how he felt, finding solace in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.<\/p>\n “You find your way to things that don’t help,” he explains. “They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse.”<\/p>\n<\/div>\n When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years.<\/p>\n As a dad now, Stephen’s determined not to “perpetuate the cycle” with his own son and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.<\/p>\n When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they practise “shaking it out” together – processing the emotions safely.<\/p>\n Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they faced their pain, changed how they communicate, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.<\/p>\n “I’m better\u2026 sitting with things and dealing with things,” says Stephen.<\/p>\n “I wrote that in a letter to Leo last week,” Ryan says. “I said, at times I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it’s a two-way conversation. I’m learning just as much as you are in this journey.”<\/p>\n If you, or someone you know, have been affected by mental health issues, please visit <\/i>BBC Action Line<\/i><\/a> to find information on organisations that can help<\/i><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n![\"Ryan](\"https:\/\/ichef.bbci.co.uk\/news\/480\/cpsprodpb\/f524\/live\/44a962d0-ddeb-11f0-afbd-d1ba55b6b5b2.jpg.webp\")
Ryan Libbey<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n‘It’s not weak to ask for help’<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
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![\"Getty](\"https:\/\/ichef.bbci.co.uk\/news\/480\/cpsprodpb\/45a3\/live\/e62cfc10-ddf1-11f0-a480-1de3ff5dd35d.jpg.webp\")
Getty Images<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n‘Parenting yourself’<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Tips for coping as a new dad<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
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