Britain’s three-time Olympic swimming champion Adam Peaty says he has been in a “self-destructive spiral” but hopes he is coming out the other side.
The 28-year-old pulled out of the British Championships earlier this month citing mental health issues.
He was not included in the Great Britain squad for July’s World Aquatics Championships.
“I’ve been on a self-destructive spiral, which I don’t mind saying because I’m human,” he told the Times.
“I got to a point in my career where I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel happy swimming and I didn’t feel happy racing, my biggest love in the sport.
“I’ve had my hand hovering over a self-destruct button because if I don’t get the result that I want, I self-destruct.”
Peaty, who still intends to compete at next year’s Olympic Games in Paris, has previously spoken about periods of depression and problems with alcohol, which he admits worsened last year as he struggled with injury, motivation and the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his young son.
He was also diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
He added: “It’s been an incredibly lonely journey. The devil on my shoulder [says], ‘You’re missing out on life, you’re not good enough, you need a drink, you can’t have what you want, you can’t be happy’.
“Some days you feel good and you don’t have to talk back; some days you feel horrendous, so you have to talk back and get through it.”
Peaty has dominated his breaststroke events for nearly a decade, successfully defending his 100m title at the Tokyo Olympics in 2021 having earlier that year set a record for the fastest 20 times in history over the distance.
Over his career, he has also won eight World Championship gold medals, 17 golds at European Championships and four golds at the Commonwealth Games.
But he missed out on gold in the 100m event in Birmingham last year, finishing fourth behind James Wilby after sustaining a broken foot in the build-up.
Although his world record is nearly a full second quicker than anyone else has ever swum, he admits that chasing that perfection is taking its toll.
“Any sane person knows that 18 years doing the same thing is pretty much crazy,” he said. “Trying to find tiny margins year after year, trying to find 0.1%.
“The dedication and sacrifice – weekends and all your time are spent chasing that goal for this one opportunity of Olympic glory. Once made sense, twice was a big ask, and was bigger last time round because that extra Covid year was really hard on all of us.
“A third one? It’s very bizarre that we do it, but I’m still here. The only reason that I took a step away from it for now, competitively, is because I don’t know why I’m still doing it, to be honest.
“I don’t know why I’m still fighting. The positive thing is that I noticed a ‘why’ there. I’m looking for the answer.”
If you have been affected by issues raised in this article, there is information and support available on BBC Action Line.
